yes...i am still alive :)
i know it's been forever since i posted and im so sorry for that! internet was just so expensive and rare on the camino. and then after the camino when i was in england for a week, i just couldnt make myself sit down and type. and then before i knew it i was on a plane to germany to meet brian, and we really didnt have hardly any internet on that stretch of my trip.
and now, i am in Barcelona.
sitting in my quaint single room that is part of an amazing apartment that I share with 4 other girls.
yes...4 other girls.
that is ALOT of estrogen...
i really don't even know where to begin. there is so much welled up inside me that i can't even express it.
this has been suh a long, challenging summer. dont get me wrong, its been amazing, but boooooooooooy has it been rough.
i have not stayed at the same place longer than a week. i spent seven days in england, where i had my own room but still was living out of a suitcase. it was the weirdest thing to crawl into the same bed every night. on the camino, the longest we ever stayed at a place was 2 nights, and that only happened like 3 or 4 times. every night was a new hotel. a new bed. a new toilet. change.
i dont do well with change.
nope. not at all. not physically. not emotionally.
so it's been ROUGH. but the Lord has been so good through it all. change has a totally new meaning for me.
i got over culture shock VERY quickly on the camino. actually, im not sure how much culture shock i even went through. i just transitioned it, got over jetlagged in like 2 days, and adjusted. i only had like 1 or 2 breakdowns/ crys :) which is really good, seeing as last year when i went to costa rica i cried myself to sleep the first 4 or 5 nights. and i didnt even cry this time around until like week 2. not even when i said goodbye to my family and brian. it was such a sweet goodbye. it was so good, so full of hope. especially with brian, because we knew this separation would be good for us.
and now i am sitting in barcelona, on the downhill stretch from experiencing culture shock for the first time on this trip.
barcelona is a world of its own.
i have never seen anything like it.
Brian and I hopped on a train to the airport friday morning at 6 am. our train was delayed (go figure), and so we didnt arrive until an hour before brians flight was scheduled to leave. when we reached the check in counter, the man behind the desk calmly told brian that his plane was now boarding.
so we had no time. no time to talk more. no time for a GOOD goodbye.
before i even had time to think he was saying goodbye from behind the security check point.
and i was bawling.
i couldnt stop. the tears wouldnt end. even hours after he left, i would burst into tears.
his plane left at 10:55 in the morning...mine wasnt leaving until 7:30
do the math....thats over 8 hours ALONE by myself in the frankfurt airport.
alone. and sad. and lonely. and not prepared.
for those of you who really know me, you know that me and too much alone time equals DANGER.
the first 2 or 3 hours were the hardest, and then it got better. it was just such a different goodbye this time around. we had been in eachothers presence 24/7 for 12 straight days. 24/7. from every moment seeing him, to none at all. to being completely alone.
it was change. again. a new meaning. because when brian came, he entered into my new, summer world. this world that i have been living in, without hardly any connection to my world back home, since may 12th. i have been living out of a suitcase or backpack since may 12.
and he just entered. and it was like world number 3 for me this summer. it was like fantasy world. everything that i had been struggling with and working through and falling on my knees before the Lord about fell away. instantaneously. and i didnt even realize it. i didnt even realize the danger of it. and before i knew it, i became a freakin' tourist. like a real, hardcore tourist. europe was no longer my summer home. i was just traveling through it with brian. which meant that my flesh slowly took over, and we went through our days like we are of this world. and we're not! and the days became filled with schedules, and trains, and hotel booking, and saving money, and finding food, and yadda yadda yadda. all of that crept in, and everything else crept out. the hour that i spent every single morning of the camino praying diligently...gone. the time in the word that i had in england that i so desperately missed in spain...gone. all of it. little by little. and brian and i didnt even realize it.
until the end of week 1.
on monday the 23rd, everything hit the fan in my head.
brian and i were in berchtesgaden, germany, and our plan for that day was a ferry ride and hike through the Konigsee (its a lake, the cleanest and most beautiful in germany)
well after the ferry ride, we started trekking through the trails. and eventually we were walking in silence. the combination of silence and walking immediately took me back to the first hour of silence that i had during the camino. so what did i start doing? i prayed.
i prayed, and it hit me.
Reality hit me like a load of bricks that afternoon. all of the internal conflict, confusion, and helplessness that i had been feeling prior to brian and my reunion in frankfurt on june 15th came crashing back in.
the conviction set in...i had been pushing aside and disregarding everything that i have been battling with this summer. i just felt so ashamed. i hadnt even seen it. brian hadnt even seen it. we were just so caught up in planning and schedules and whatnot, that everything slowly slipped away.
and of course, brian and i talked about it some. but that is a completely different topic...
and before i knew it, he was leaving. the last 10 minutes of our train ride and walking to the check in desk might have been the best moments for me of the whole trip. brian opened up and told me things that he had been thinking (which is not easy for boys). and it was so brief. so simple. so honest. so needed. so refreshing.
and then he left.
and the separation was HARD. and when i walked into the restaurant of the hotel my 2nd program was at at 10 that night, 100+ heads just turned and stared at me. i felt so small.
i had been nervous and scared in the frankfurt airport. i found a chapel inside the airport (which was such a shocker) and holed up for 1 1/2 hours. holed up and prayed. and had some praise and worship time with my ipod. and just repented and drew closer to Him. because I need Him, yet again, in a whole new way.
and when the 100 heads were staring at me, i knew that i was in for a battle. a battle that i had been praying for all summer, but had somehow slipped my mind the past 2 weeks, when i needed to be preparing even more.
and i experienced cutlure shock. like never before. i woke up the next morning and felt so alone. it seemed like everyone knew eachother, and i was sitting all alone.
i struggle with making myself be social...
so this was ROUGH
and i felt like i was spiralling downward. i walked outside the hotel after breakfast and prayed. and battled with myself. and pleaded with the Lord for strength. for trust. for faith. for a friend.
and He was faithful....He always is. We are so silly to doubt and to feel alone, because we never are. He is always there, always ready to provide.
after our first orientation break, i fled to my room to be alone and gulp a huge glass of water. i did NOT want to go back to the conference room and sit by myself. but i dragged myself out of the door, into the elevator, and down to the lobby. and when the elevator doors opened, there was girl standing there alone. waiting for the elevator. she was going to go up to her room to get her roommate, but was just like "I'll stay down here with you instead"
and i was SO confused. i didnt remember ever meeting this girl. i had no idea who she was. and she just wanted to stay with me.
and we have been inseparable since.:)
her name is elizabeth gilchrest, and she goes to Auburn.
she is my friend :)
i think what bonded us at first was that she almost immediately asked me if i went out last night after arriving to the airport. and i said "no" and she looked so relieved and said "me neither" and then we starting walking and talking...
see, the first night, i got in at 10. ate dinner at 10:30, and was in my room by 11.
and when i walked into my room, my hotel roommate was getting ready to go out. she was meeting some girls in the lobby at midnight to go drinking. and EVERYONE around me in the lobby and the elevators were talking about alcohol and getting drunk and going out....
spain is a different world. the people party between 12 and like 6 in the morning.
everyone does it...its like the cultural norm here.
so as i was crawling into bed at 11:45, my roomate was putting on makeup and heels and heading out the door.
and i felt so alone.
and at breakfast, everyone was talking about clubs and bars and drinks and hangovers.
i didnt meet a single person who hadnt gone out..until elizabeth
and we spent the whole day together. her, me and another girl lindsey.
and the afternoon was so good for me. so fun! elizabeth, lindsey and i went to dinner with some other girls, and i laughed so hard. so hard i could have cried. it was so fun. of course, they were all drinking sangria with their tapas, and i was sporting the bottled water.
but it didnt even matter. and we decided to go out on the town that night, which is like WAY out of my comfort zone. and i cannot stay up as late as the spaniards. but i agreed to go when elizabeth said she didnt want to stay out long and just wanted to see what it was all about.
so we met in the lobby at midnight. we ended up waiting because lindsey and her roommate weren't ready.
and at about 12:30, all 3 elevators opened, revealing a ton of the other girls dressed in clothes that i had never seen before.
i had NEVER seen so little clothing on a woman before. you couldnt even call it clothing! it was like a pretty towel or something. i was in SHOCK.
the majority of the people on this program are from california, florida, chicago, new york, or somewhere big.
and they all wear designer clothing all the time. and they dress like they are going swimming at the beach. and it just broke my heart to see women care so little about their bodies and about the men around them. they were just revealing everything to everyone. i felt like i looked like i was a 30 year old mom (maybe because i was wearing my mother's shirt :) )
and they dress up all the time. they wear dresses and miniskirts TO ORIENTATION! which is like cramped in a conference room for 5 hours. i have never seen anything like it before.
and once again, i had to pray. because i immediately felt thoughts about my body and beauty come creeping in. it's so hard to detach yourself from the world's perception of beauty. because to society, these california blondes and designer new yorkers are GORGEOUS.
i have already been dealing alot with body image thoughts this summer, which is something that i usually dont struggle to badily with.
and it seemed last night as though the struggle is not over.
but really, that's not beauty. and i know that. and i know that the Lord thinks im beautiful, and he reassured me of that last night.
it was just rough battling that one out with the Holy Spirit too.
I just feel like He is teaching me so much this summer. that i am growing in ways i never even imagined.
I just feel like my faith has grown exponentially this summer. yes, there have been moments and days of weakness and neglect, but He is good, and he never lets Himself go unheard.
So barcelona, with its like 4 million people on the streets, is overwhelming for me. in every aspect. come on, im from WACO...population 100,000. i have never been in a city at night, and last night was so new to me. the girls i was with left the hotel at 1245, walked around, and sat down outside at a bar. I popped open a can of refreshing coca-cola light as i watched the people swarming through the streets.
it was so new. so fascinating to me.
but also so sad. so scary.
because they are lost.
lost lost lost.
i said it in a previous post and i say it again. i have never seen so much need for truth. so many lies. so much influence of the enemy.
it is so dark. so lost.
they need Jesus. desperately.
i dont know is anyone in my program knows my Lord. I dont know if elizabeth does.
pray for them. pray for spain. pray her her. pray for me.
its going to be a long month....
