my bag is packed...
my outfit is all laid out for tomorrow morning.
in 5 1/2 hours I will be waking up to shower and head to the airport, where I will board a plane, destination USA. In less than 48 hours, I will be at home in Waco, for the first time in 2 1/2 months.
I am not sure what I am thinking right now. We spent the day at the beach, and I didn't really think too too much about heading home. But when I was walking to my apartment at about 8, I realized that it was the last time I would be walking those streets, perhaps for the rest of my life.
that is a very weird thought.
my summer adventures will officially be over tomorrow. This once in a lifetime opportunity will have come and passed. And life will go on.
But never the same. The Lord has changed me, refined me, reshaped me, and grown me is so many beautifully ways this summer. I am not the same girl that left Texas may 12th.
My eyes have been open to so much more this summer. My walk with Him has grown so much deeper. And I have fallen so much more in love with my Savior and Lord.
Life will not be the same when I get home.
Please be praying for the changes that I will be going through. Changes in so many areas. I am moving out of my beautiful house into a new one, with new roomies. Relationships in my life will have changed, and will be changing. I will undoubtedly go through culture shock, and probably greatly dislike America for at least a few days :) And I will miss Europe like crazy.
I'm coming home. finally.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
on the road to recovery?
so im basically a walking infection
I finally caved and went to the emergency clinic this afternoon, after 12 days of trying to ride out the sickness. And I have a pretty nasty infection that has manifested itself- it has even moved to my ears...i have never had an ear infection before
so i will be popping 4 different pills for the next few days....well really 3 and a stomach protectant
there is reason to be thankful in this though. The doctor thought I should be experiencing immense pain and pressure in my ears, and told me that I was VERY lucky that I am not. so thank the Lord for protecting my little hearing devices!
please be praying for quick healing. I really need to be able to sleep through the night without waking up a gazillion times. it is starting to take its toll on my body.
I finally caved and went to the emergency clinic this afternoon, after 12 days of trying to ride out the sickness. And I have a pretty nasty infection that has manifested itself- it has even moved to my ears...i have never had an ear infection before
so i will be popping 4 different pills for the next few days....well really 3 and a stomach protectant
there is reason to be thankful in this though. The doctor thought I should be experiencing immense pain and pressure in my ears, and told me that I was VERY lucky that I am not. so thank the Lord for protecting my little hearing devices!
please be praying for quick healing. I really need to be able to sleep through the night without waking up a gazillion times. it is starting to take its toll on my body.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
ready to come home
sooo i cant help but be ready to come home.
we had a weekend excursion to madrid to this weekend, and it was a TON of fun.
but as i was alone in my hotel room last night while everyone was out at a "famous club", i couldnt help but feel worn down by the routine. of always spending nights alone because everyone else is out partying.
i am trying to contain my excitement about the plan ride next saturday. i have an extremely busy week with school, but it will be worth it when im flying back over the atlantic.
i honestly think i might collapse when i get into the dallas airport. collapse out of weakness, tiredness, and joy. i know im going to be SLAMMED with a wave of varying emotions.
the Lord is so good though. He reminded me today that im still here, still serving him in Spain.
A girl named Hannah came and sat next to me on the bus today because the AC went out in the back of the bus, where she was sitting.
And we started talking about Jesus :) she said she has heard me talk about my relationship with Jesus and my small group (hope group) and my church. and she asked questions. and said she has felt like she needed to talk to someone with a strong faith, because she doesnt think she is a Christian. she said she wants to be, but doesnt know if she is or can be. if she really believes. and she wanted to talk to me and get advice and just listen to what i had to say.
and it was really cool. and i just talked about how i was save and how my life was before and the void i had inside me. and she said she feels not complete sometimes, and had never even thought that it could be because she doesnt have God.
it was beautiful. but also challenging for me. she asked some questions that i stumbled through. like "how come CHRISTIANS are right, and not other religions?" and all i could say was that because Jesus says the only way to get to the father is through Him.
its hard to think objectively and answer objectively when you are so biased.
please be praying for her. The Lord is pursuing her heart, and she knows it.
I needed that reminder that I cant completely check out yet. that there is still work here to do. Her decision to sit with me blessed both of us.
please be praying for this last week. i have a 2000 word paper in spanish due thursday, a final, and an oral presentation tomorrow, and im STILL sick.
and i just really want to talk to Brian. it was really hard in Madrid. everything made me think of him. It took every last strength I had not to pick up the hotel phone and call him...
we had a weekend excursion to madrid to this weekend, and it was a TON of fun.
but as i was alone in my hotel room last night while everyone was out at a "famous club", i couldnt help but feel worn down by the routine. of always spending nights alone because everyone else is out partying.
i am trying to contain my excitement about the plan ride next saturday. i have an extremely busy week with school, but it will be worth it when im flying back over the atlantic.
i honestly think i might collapse when i get into the dallas airport. collapse out of weakness, tiredness, and joy. i know im going to be SLAMMED with a wave of varying emotions.
the Lord is so good though. He reminded me today that im still here, still serving him in Spain.
A girl named Hannah came and sat next to me on the bus today because the AC went out in the back of the bus, where she was sitting.
And we started talking about Jesus :) she said she has heard me talk about my relationship with Jesus and my small group (hope group) and my church. and she asked questions. and said she has felt like she needed to talk to someone with a strong faith, because she doesnt think she is a Christian. she said she wants to be, but doesnt know if she is or can be. if she really believes. and she wanted to talk to me and get advice and just listen to what i had to say.
and it was really cool. and i just talked about how i was save and how my life was before and the void i had inside me. and she said she feels not complete sometimes, and had never even thought that it could be because she doesnt have God.
it was beautiful. but also challenging for me. she asked some questions that i stumbled through. like "how come CHRISTIANS are right, and not other religions?" and all i could say was that because Jesus says the only way to get to the father is through Him.
its hard to think objectively and answer objectively when you are so biased.
please be praying for her. The Lord is pursuing her heart, and she knows it.
I needed that reminder that I cant completely check out yet. that there is still work here to do. Her decision to sit with me blessed both of us.
please be praying for this last week. i have a 2000 word paper in spanish due thursday, a final, and an oral presentation tomorrow, and im STILL sick.
and i just really want to talk to Brian. it was really hard in Madrid. everything made me think of him. It took every last strength I had not to pick up the hotel phone and call him...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I have to CLING to this song right now. (I just love Casting Crowns)
For some reason, music is so soothing and calming to me on this trip. i HAVE to have my praise and worship in the mornings on my way to class.
I just wanted to post the lyrics to the casting crowns song that I feel like personifies my life right now...
"Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You?
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
For some reason, music is so soothing and calming to me on this trip. i HAVE to have my praise and worship in the mornings on my way to class.
I just wanted to post the lyrics to the casting crowns song that I feel like personifies my life right now...
"Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You?
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
God had big plans for wednesday...
I sent the following out in an email to my hope group today, but I thought I would post it here too:
PLEASE listen to the Sermon Podcast from Sunday if you couldnt be there like I couldnt...
it is SO beautiful. SO BEAUTIFUL.
I listened to the Podcast of sunday's sermon earlier today. You have no idea how encouraging it was to hear. I am surrounded by non-believers here, and it just breaks my heart! The sermon was also convicting, because sometimes I find myself getting angry with their sinful lifestyles instead of loving them.
And I absolutely love psalm 1. LOVE IT. Before I left for Europe this summer, mark henry (i dont know why i always call him Mark Henry and not just "mark") gave me a copy of Living By the Book to study while I am here. This morning I read about reading meditatively, and then Butch's sermon confirmed that need with the part in psalm one about meditating day and night on scripture. It was so encouraging, and convicting, because I need to be even more Scripture minded then I am being. the Lord has ROCKED my world this summer, especially through prayer. It is just SO exciting!! But I have been experiencing EXTREME spiritual warfare these past few days/ weeks. And I just realized that I need to be meditating CONSTANTLY on scripture in order to prevent the lies instead of just using scripture to fight back when they are already in my head. Dont get me wrong, I DO need to use scripture to fight...but meditating constantly wont even give the devil a chance to get in.
thank you again for all of yours prayers. they mean so much to me. and i just challenge ya'll with everything butch addressed in his sermon. about love. about being broken for non-believers. about going against the flow. for taking a stand. for stopping sin. it sure is challenging me!
ahhh it was just so sweet to hear his voice, to hear his wisdom. it makes me so sad that he is so persecuted.
the Lord really spoke to me today. He encouraged me through Butch's sermon about decisions I am make here about how I choose to live. He spoke to me about my relationship with Brian. And he encouraged me with an email from Butch LESS THAN 2 HOURS after I listened to his sermon. It was just a short note of encouragement, but Butch and I have never emailed before. And it was right after such a moving message delivered by him. OK it might not sound all that cool here, but it is SO cool in my head. Just clearly an answer to things in my head.
I have a lot more clarity now. Basically just in that the Lord is the only clarity I need. I dont need to see His hour-by-hour planner of my life (though all of you know how appealing that sounds to ME cuz im a freak about planning)...I just need to trust him completely. He will show me the next step in His timing.
Today was BEAUTIFUL.
PLEASE listen to the Sermon Podcast from Sunday if you couldnt be there like I couldnt...
it is SO beautiful. SO BEAUTIFUL.
I listened to the Podcast of sunday's sermon earlier today. You have no idea how encouraging it was to hear. I am surrounded by non-believers here, and it just breaks my heart! The sermon was also convicting, because sometimes I find myself getting angry with their sinful lifestyles instead of loving them.
And I absolutely love psalm 1. LOVE IT. Before I left for Europe this summer, mark henry (i dont know why i always call him Mark Henry and not just "mark") gave me a copy of Living By the Book to study while I am here. This morning I read about reading meditatively, and then Butch's sermon confirmed that need with the part in psalm one about meditating day and night on scripture. It was so encouraging, and convicting, because I need to be even more Scripture minded then I am being. the Lord has ROCKED my world this summer, especially through prayer. It is just SO exciting!! But I have been experiencing EXTREME spiritual warfare these past few days/ weeks. And I just realized that I need to be meditating CONSTANTLY on scripture in order to prevent the lies instead of just using scripture to fight back when they are already in my head. Dont get me wrong, I DO need to use scripture to fight...but meditating constantly wont even give the devil a chance to get in.
thank you again for all of yours prayers. they mean so much to me. and i just challenge ya'll with everything butch addressed in his sermon. about love. about being broken for non-believers. about going against the flow. for taking a stand. for stopping sin. it sure is challenging me!
ahhh it was just so sweet to hear his voice, to hear his wisdom. it makes me so sad that he is so persecuted.
the Lord really spoke to me today. He encouraged me through Butch's sermon about decisions I am make here about how I choose to live. He spoke to me about my relationship with Brian. And he encouraged me with an email from Butch LESS THAN 2 HOURS after I listened to his sermon. It was just a short note of encouragement, but Butch and I have never emailed before. And it was right after such a moving message delivered by him. OK it might not sound all that cool here, but it is SO cool in my head. Just clearly an answer to things in my head.
I have a lot more clarity now. Basically just in that the Lord is the only clarity I need. I dont need to see His hour-by-hour planner of my life (though all of you know how appealing that sounds to ME cuz im a freak about planning)...I just need to trust him completely. He will show me the next step in His timing.
Today was BEAUTIFUL.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
estoy enferma...
so im officially sick...
i woke up saturday morning feeling SO icky...AND had to stay up all night sturday (legitimately...we had no hotel and were on the streets till 9:30 a.m) in pamplona to see the running of the bulls, which was AWESOME, but NOT good for my health.
i slept the whole way home on the bus, my throat was burning, went to bed at 10 last night, woke up in the middle of the night cuz i couldnt breathe i was so congested, and then woke up at 8:30.
i felt cruddy all day, but am starting to feel better now.
i actually thought i would make it all summer in foreign countries without catching anything. i jynxed myself...
starting to feel a little better though..hopefully it will pass...
i woke up saturday morning feeling SO icky...AND had to stay up all night sturday (legitimately...we had no hotel and were on the streets till 9:30 a.m) in pamplona to see the running of the bulls, which was AWESOME, but NOT good for my health.
i slept the whole way home on the bus, my throat was burning, went to bed at 10 last night, woke up in the middle of the night cuz i couldnt breathe i was so congested, and then woke up at 8:30.
i felt cruddy all day, but am starting to feel better now.
i actually thought i would make it all summer in foreign countries without catching anything. i jynxed myself...
starting to feel a little better though..hopefully it will pass...
Friday, July 11, 2008
I really had to battle with my thoughts this evening. I have been gone officially 2 months, and my body and mind are in shut down mode major tonight. It's like everything about me is screaming "THAT'S ENOUGH! it's time to go home!!!!"
I never thought I would desire to be in College Station so badly.
correction. it's not the physical city I desperately desire (though I'll admit, it's so familiar, which is so appealing to me right now), but rather it's the people. The people I love. The people that know me. The people that love and know Jesus.
I still have 2 weeks left. And I know I have to be joyful and embrace them with prayer and open arms. It's just hard tonight for some reason. I just want to hear a familiar voice, see a familiar face.
i want my bed. i want my bath. I WANT MY BAGELS.
for anyone who knows me real well, you know how much my bagels mean to me :) This is like a giant fast or sabbatical from bagels!
I start off every morning with the 3 B's... (in this order)
1. Bagel
2. Bible
3. Bath
(And then I usually throw in a number 4, Brian, cuz I head up to school to meet him before classes.)
I had a wonderful day in the Word. It was just so enriching, so satisfying
and maybe it's because I just want to sit down and talk about Jesus with someone. Someone who loves him too. I just want to talk about (face-to-face) what the Lord is showing me and how he is refining me.
Tonight was uber-hard. Please pray for strength for me over these next 2 weeks. That I wont mentally check-out of here. That I will wait on the Lord, seek satisfaction and peace in Him...
I never thought I would desire to be in College Station so badly.
correction. it's not the physical city I desperately desire (though I'll admit, it's so familiar, which is so appealing to me right now), but rather it's the people. The people I love. The people that know me. The people that love and know Jesus.
I still have 2 weeks left. And I know I have to be joyful and embrace them with prayer and open arms. It's just hard tonight for some reason. I just want to hear a familiar voice, see a familiar face.
i want my bed. i want my bath. I WANT MY BAGELS.
for anyone who knows me real well, you know how much my bagels mean to me :) This is like a giant fast or sabbatical from bagels!
I start off every morning with the 3 B's... (in this order)
1. Bagel
2. Bible
3. Bath
(And then I usually throw in a number 4, Brian, cuz I head up to school to meet him before classes.)
I had a wonderful day in the Word. It was just so enriching, so satisfying
and maybe it's because I just want to sit down and talk about Jesus with someone. Someone who loves him too. I just want to talk about (face-to-face) what the Lord is showing me and how he is refining me.
Tonight was uber-hard. Please pray for strength for me over these next 2 weeks. That I wont mentally check-out of here. That I will wait on the Lord, seek satisfaction and peace in Him...
beaten and bruised
I think my take on uncertainty is slowly transforming...
I talked to Emily this week, and if you have read her blog, she dissects her feelings of uncertainty and the unknown very beautifully
And I have just been chewing on it the past few days. on uncertainty.
I dont even like music really, but sometimes the Lord just really speaks to me through music. and it always makes me smile, because he is just so creative. He uses the most distinct means of speaking to people, means that we dont always go looking for Him in. And it's so beautiful.
Today has been really chilled-out for me, and just rich in time in the Word and in P&W with my Ipod. It was SUCH a beautiful, peaceful day with him. Just me and Him. no distractions.
And I put on some music that my small group leader from Waco, Sarah Rogers, composed. I have listened to this album like a million times. It's probably the most played music on my Ipod, outside of my Casting Crowns album. So I have heard these lyrics so many times. But they just stuck out to me in a whole new way. I posted some lyrics below:
Broken vile, poured out at my lover's feet
No pride or self-protection, just beaten and bruised
You're the only certainty my heart knows
All others are a drop in the bucket of unclarity and sorrow
I think somewhere inside, I knew it would end up this way
My heart was held captive to yours
My ear pierced through the home of my master
I'm a bondservant who has nowhere else to go
I've ventured to the countryside
But the vineyards never came in bloom
I made my home in the wilderness, but I'm coming out
Leaning on my Beloved
Beaten and bruised
Love is as strong as death, and I have tasted both
My heart has been made gold through its fire
And the waters that have stormed against me could never wash it away
And the storms made me an oak,
Full of tender leaves, with little rust
I will not harden my heart
I will break it over, and over, and over again
At the feet of the one who was broken for me
He receives the pieces and distributes them for His own glory
Beaten and bruised, I keep good company
Beaten and bruised, this is the only choice for me
Beaten and bruised, I'll know my love all the more
For faithful are the wounds of a friend,
And I will spend my life, at the feet of this one
In this war, I've found my peace
In this war within myself, I have found my peace...Jesus
Just drawing nearer to Him, and just trusting Him that He is in control
And not knowing what's going to happen with my life, with my future, with anything
Just knowing that He knows
and being OK with that
And just drawing nearer to Him in my uncertainty
I talked to Emily this week, and if you have read her blog, she dissects her feelings of uncertainty and the unknown very beautifully
And I have just been chewing on it the past few days. on uncertainty.
I dont even like music really, but sometimes the Lord just really speaks to me through music. and it always makes me smile, because he is just so creative. He uses the most distinct means of speaking to people, means that we dont always go looking for Him in. And it's so beautiful.
Today has been really chilled-out for me, and just rich in time in the Word and in P&W with my Ipod. It was SUCH a beautiful, peaceful day with him. Just me and Him. no distractions.
And I put on some music that my small group leader from Waco, Sarah Rogers, composed. I have listened to this album like a million times. It's probably the most played music on my Ipod, outside of my Casting Crowns album. So I have heard these lyrics so many times. But they just stuck out to me in a whole new way. I posted some lyrics below:
Broken vile, poured out at my lover's feet
No pride or self-protection, just beaten and bruised
You're the only certainty my heart knows
All others are a drop in the bucket of unclarity and sorrow
I think somewhere inside, I knew it would end up this way
My heart was held captive to yours
My ear pierced through the home of my master
I'm a bondservant who has nowhere else to go
I've ventured to the countryside
But the vineyards never came in bloom
I made my home in the wilderness, but I'm coming out
Leaning on my Beloved
Beaten and bruised
Love is as strong as death, and I have tasted both
My heart has been made gold through its fire
And the waters that have stormed against me could never wash it away
And the storms made me an oak,
Full of tender leaves, with little rust
I will not harden my heart
I will break it over, and over, and over again
At the feet of the one who was broken for me
He receives the pieces and distributes them for His own glory
Beaten and bruised, I keep good company
Beaten and bruised, this is the only choice for me
Beaten and bruised, I'll know my love all the more
For faithful are the wounds of a friend,
And I will spend my life, at the feet of this one
In this war, I've found my peace
In this war within myself, I have found my peace...Jesus
Just drawing nearer to Him, and just trusting Him that He is in control
And not knowing what's going to happen with my life, with my future, with anything
Just knowing that He knows
and being OK with that
And just drawing nearer to Him in my uncertainty
Monday, July 7, 2008
o and 1 more...
please pray that not communicating with brian will get easier for me. cuz it's hard...
it's not as bad during the day, it's just at night, when i crawl in bed, that i feel it more. just pray that i will just seek and find strength in the Lord in those moments and always
i got to talk to emily, and blaire, briefly on skype tonight...it helped to hear a familiar voice...
please pray that not communicating with brian will get easier for me. cuz it's hard...
it's not as bad during the day, it's just at night, when i crawl in bed, that i feel it more. just pray that i will just seek and find strength in the Lord in those moments and always
i got to talk to emily, and blaire, briefly on skype tonight...it helped to hear a familiar voice...
prayer
O, and please pray for my room mate situation...
I think they are whispering things about me right now, as I am typing this. We are going to Madrid next week, and they are talking about hotels and how they dont want to be put with me I think. They are really sweet girls, but it's just proving to be very hard... i thought everything was cool until about 5 minutes ago when I think they thought I couldnt hear them...
just pray for their salvation. that i will be a light to them . that they will as me "why?" about things they dont understand about my life...
I think they are whispering things about me right now, as I am typing this. We are going to Madrid next week, and they are talking about hotels and how they dont want to be put with me I think. They are really sweet girls, but it's just proving to be very hard... i thought everything was cool until about 5 minutes ago when I think they thought I couldnt hear them...
just pray for their salvation. that i will be a light to them . that they will as me "why?" about things they dont understand about my life...
"my biggest pet peev as a driver is when bikes think they're cars...and we did that all day today!"
oooo this comment by my room mate kristen made me SMILE. hardcore.
we had a biking tour of Barcelona this evening for like 2 1/2 hours.
IT WAS AWESOME. i have a whole new appreciation for this gi-normous city.
sooooo....i went to the beach TWICE this weekend. yes, that means two.
i do not like the beach. correction- i do not like the beaches here.
why? because spaniards have NO shame. they love their bodies and they love to show them to everyone around them.
i really dont know how a spanish beach could be a conducive environment at all for a believer, especially a male believer. i mean ok, I was fine for the afternoon- it was not a temptation of any sort for me to see the men in speedos and the topless women- BUT it was so distracting.
i cant even imagine the struggles the men face here. and not even at the beach- there is nudity everywhere! censorship was completely taken away after their dictator Franco died in 75 (im learning ALL about this in class)
but it's interesting the way they handle it. like it is no big deal at all....i dunno, it's just so weird.
and i learned the other night that my friend elizabeth is not a believer... i wrote Melodi Henry about it, and I just thought I would post some of my email to her below (so i dont have to re-write)
<then i asked her if she believes that Jesus is the Savior. and she said she didnt know because she doesnt know enough of the story to make a decision about it. i aked her to explain, and she said she has never heard the whole story before.
and i just sat there. stunned. this girl is from georgia, goes to auburn, and hasnt heard the Gospel.
I said, trying to keep my jaw closed, "No one has ever sat down and told you the Gospel?!"
and she said no. she said that most of her friends arent very religious, and its kinda private to the ones that are.
and my heart just broke. into a million pieces.
private?! WHO KEEPS JESUS PRIVATE?!!??! i was so upset, so hurt, so broken for her.
and i let her know that. i said that i didnt understand how people could keep their relationship with jesus private. that its not supposed to be that way. that gods love for us is supposed to just fill our lives so much that we naturally spill it out onto others. that we are supposed to spread His name.
and then i just sat there, completely broken for this girl. and something inside of me was reaching out, telling me that im supposed to be the one to tell her the story.
and maybe that was me trying to take control, or probably it was the Holy Spirit :) all i know is that THAT is a meaty task. i have never shared the gospel with anyone who doesnt know the story! even on mission trips, like when i went to africa, we were working with youth groups and people who have heard His story.
Elizabeth knows some, but not enough. and i dont know how the heck im supposed to tackle that one. part of me wanted to sit right then and tell her everything i knew. but the other part knew that i needed MAJOR prayer and counsel before that conversation. plus, it was not a good night- we were EXHAUSTED. i knew it was not the time...
and even if that is not what i am supposed to do, i AM supposed to be a reflection of Him for her. Because maybe something about me will make her want to know more. will make her want to ask. and maybe ill be the one to tell....>>
or maybe im not the one- maybe her ears will not be open to it- she told me that she never has really looked into it because she's content and happy and doesnt see a need...
she doesnt know how deperately she does need him...
we had a biking tour of Barcelona this evening for like 2 1/2 hours.
IT WAS AWESOME. i have a whole new appreciation for this gi-normous city.
sooooo....i went to the beach TWICE this weekend. yes, that means two.
i do not like the beach. correction- i do not like the beaches here.
why? because spaniards have NO shame. they love their bodies and they love to show them to everyone around them.
i really dont know how a spanish beach could be a conducive environment at all for a believer, especially a male believer. i mean ok, I was fine for the afternoon- it was not a temptation of any sort for me to see the men in speedos and the topless women- BUT it was so distracting.
i cant even imagine the struggles the men face here. and not even at the beach- there is nudity everywhere! censorship was completely taken away after their dictator Franco died in 75 (im learning ALL about this in class)
but it's interesting the way they handle it. like it is no big deal at all....i dunno, it's just so weird.
and i learned the other night that my friend elizabeth is not a believer... i wrote Melodi Henry about it, and I just thought I would post some of my email to her below (so i dont have to re-write)
<
and i just sat there. stunned. this girl is from georgia, goes to auburn, and hasnt heard the Gospel.
I said, trying to keep my jaw closed, "No one has ever sat down and told you the Gospel?!"
and she said no. she said that most of her friends arent very religious, and its kinda private to the ones that are.
and my heart just broke. into a million pieces.
private?! WHO KEEPS JESUS PRIVATE?!!??! i was so upset, so hurt, so broken for her.
and i let her know that. i said that i didnt understand how people could keep their relationship with jesus private. that its not supposed to be that way. that gods love for us is supposed to just fill our lives so much that we naturally spill it out onto others. that we are supposed to spread His name.
and then i just sat there, completely broken for this girl. and something inside of me was reaching out, telling me that im supposed to be the one to tell her the story.
and maybe that was me trying to take control, or probably it was the Holy Spirit :) all i know is that THAT is a meaty task. i have never shared the gospel with anyone who doesnt know the story! even on mission trips, like when i went to africa, we were working with youth groups and people who have heard His story.
Elizabeth knows some, but not enough. and i dont know how the heck im supposed to tackle that one. part of me wanted to sit right then and tell her everything i knew. but the other part knew that i needed MAJOR prayer and counsel before that conversation. plus, it was not a good night- we were EXHAUSTED. i knew it was not the time...
and even if that is not what i am supposed to do, i AM supposed to be a reflection of Him for her. Because maybe something about me will make her want to know more. will make her want to ask. and maybe ill be the one to tell....>>
she doesnt know how deperately she does need him...
Friday, July 4, 2008
GOD IS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!
the Lord answers prayers.
seriously.
like not even kidding. He continues to rock my world every day...
I MET ANOTHER BELIEVER TODAY
kate hooper. from aggieland. friends with my friends.
he provides in our time of need...
seriously.
like not even kidding. He continues to rock my world every day...
I MET ANOTHER BELIEVER TODAY
kate hooper. from aggieland. friends with my friends.
he provides in our time of need...
Thursday, July 3, 2008
crystal clear
welp, this was definitely another emotionally trying day for me... but in a new way,
basically, my morning was freakin' SWEET. i mean really, it was AWESOME.
i felt so accomplished in my time in the word this morning. Basically, before i left for the summer, Mark Henry gave me a copy of Living by the Book by Howard Hendricks to read here in Europe.
and for the first time all summer, i actually have time to read it! i am so excited! the intellectual (if you really even call it that) part of my summer has been leading up to reading this book. and i just did NOT have time in any fashion to open it on the camino. i rarely had time to open my actual Bible, much less this book. and then i was in england and sweden and germany and austria and just going going going, and now finally i can just sit.
and boy am i taking advantage of that :)
so this morning, the exercise at the end of chapter six was to record my obseravtions of Joshua 1:8.
I HAD A BLAST.
seriously. i was so intrigued, looking for every clue, every detail. trying to make as many observations as I could.
it was great. and then when i was walking the 25 minute walk to class, my mind was going over all the observations i made, and i started applying it to my life here --Which might me illegal right now :) im only in the observation phase...not experienced enough yet to apply it...(-joke- but seriously i really am only in the first step of the 3 step process)
ANYWAY
so im walking and analyzing, breaking things down and making connections.
so im gonna provide a summary below to clarify my thought process :)
This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.
Let me start off by saying that there is no way I am going to be able to communicate how cool and how thorough the following process was in my head. I wish I could have like a mind recorder with me at all times so I could retell EXACTLY my thought processes. because that was like 12 hours ago, and things change in your head in 12 hours.
Contextually, the Lord is speaking to Joshua and has just commissioned him to take his people out of Moab, across the jordan, so that they may enter and inherit the promised land. He has told joshua that he MUST be strong and obedient to all of the commandments.
So I like made my list about Joshua and looked up and wrote down things that I knew about him. and i looked up location, what happened in the book before (Deut.) and all that jazz. I wish you could see my journal with all of its squiggle and underlining glory :)
anyway...basically verse 8 comes between 2 commands to be strong and courageoous. There are at least 2 cause and effects going on in verse 8 alone. but its interesting to note that even it's location in relation to the surrounding verses is a cause and effect relationship. Basically the Lord is saying that if joshua will be strong and courageous, it will enable him to obey the Lord and His commands, which will ultimately cause him to succeed.
ANd it just made me think of everything I am experiencing here. And even relating it to what i learned yesterday in galations 1.
I just need to be strong. and courageous. and not focus on pleasing man, but rather on being strong in the statutes that have been given to me. strong in the lifestyle i choose to live. strong in representing Jesus 24/7.
and if I meditate on that strength, its source, its commands as the Lord commanded joshua, then I will have success. But look at the passage...even success is modified. Not only will I have success, but it will be GOOD success. thats even better than straight up success, which is good in and of itself!!
there is so much more that went on in my head, but thats kinda the condensed version....
on to later today..
so basically, like i said yesterday, confusion seems to be an ongoing theme to my summer.
well, i experienced clarity for like the first time this summer. i mean, the Lord has clearly shown me things, but in a different way.
this was clarity about brian and i.
and what i saw was ROUGH.
basically, I realized, after verballing processing things with Susan (my roommate from the camino, and my newfound friend that i am so so so grateful for.), I realized that communication between brian and i had to be cut off completely for the rest of the summer.
wow. that's a bummer. it was kinda like "O...really?!"
try telling that one to a boy who is 5000 miles away from you, whose only source of communication with you is via a brittney spears headset on skype.
have i mentioned before how amazing brian really is? because he is.
and im not just saying that cuz he might be reading this, cuz he's not. he decided that no communiation meant no looking at my blog.
but yea, he really is so amazing. he has SUCH an approachable heart. he is so open to everything I present to him about myself, him, or our relationship (unless I am crying unexplicably...then he attritubes the tears to PMS, and usually is pretty accurate).
so i just started explaining the confusion in my head. which was of course confusing, because it is in fact confusion.
and he thought it all made sense. well not the confusion necessarily, but my rationale that explained how and why i get confused.
so we decided that we are not talking, emailing, or anything until after i return.
well really until after he calls me after i return. which may or may not be the exact day when i get back. it will depend on how he feels about it and what the lord is teaching him.
i mean, everything is OK. dont get me wrong. this is a GOOD break from eachother. we have already experienced physical separation. now we are just taking it to a new level.
but its going to be SO beautiful. just focusing on our own walks, without distraction.
i cant wait to see how the lord uses this.
but please be in prayer, for both of us. I know at some point I am going to break down and want to email him. i need to be strong. i need to be courageous.
and we are back to joshua.
i just am so in love with the Lord. could he be any more perfect?! NO.
I cant wait to see what tomorrow brings.
Could be interesting. Museum, historic ruins..and then the beach.
i cant even think about the beach right now. it makes my head swim.
i guess ill be bustin' out the one piece and board shorts :)
O man i better get to bed, cuz i am gonna need all the time in the word i can get in the morning....
basically, my morning was freakin' SWEET. i mean really, it was AWESOME.
i felt so accomplished in my time in the word this morning. Basically, before i left for the summer, Mark Henry gave me a copy of Living by the Book by Howard Hendricks to read here in Europe.
and for the first time all summer, i actually have time to read it! i am so excited! the intellectual (if you really even call it that) part of my summer has been leading up to reading this book. and i just did NOT have time in any fashion to open it on the camino. i rarely had time to open my actual Bible, much less this book. and then i was in england and sweden and germany and austria and just going going going, and now finally i can just sit.
and boy am i taking advantage of that :)
so this morning, the exercise at the end of chapter six was to record my obseravtions of Joshua 1:8.
I HAD A BLAST.
seriously. i was so intrigued, looking for every clue, every detail. trying to make as many observations as I could.
it was great. and then when i was walking the 25 minute walk to class, my mind was going over all the observations i made, and i started applying it to my life here --Which might me illegal right now :) im only in the observation phase...not experienced enough yet to apply it...(-joke- but seriously i really am only in the first step of the 3 step process)
ANYWAY
so im walking and analyzing, breaking things down and making connections.
so im gonna provide a summary below to clarify my thought process :)
This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.
Let me start off by saying that there is no way I am going to be able to communicate how cool and how thorough the following process was in my head. I wish I could have like a mind recorder with me at all times so I could retell EXACTLY my thought processes. because that was like 12 hours ago, and things change in your head in 12 hours.
Contextually, the Lord is speaking to Joshua and has just commissioned him to take his people out of Moab, across the jordan, so that they may enter and inherit the promised land. He has told joshua that he MUST be strong and obedient to all of the commandments.
So I like made my list about Joshua and looked up and wrote down things that I knew about him. and i looked up location, what happened in the book before (Deut.) and all that jazz. I wish you could see my journal with all of its squiggle and underlining glory :)
anyway...basically verse 8 comes between 2 commands to be strong and courageoous. There are at least 2 cause and effects going on in verse 8 alone. but its interesting to note that even it's location in relation to the surrounding verses is a cause and effect relationship. Basically the Lord is saying that if joshua will be strong and courageous, it will enable him to obey the Lord and His commands, which will ultimately cause him to succeed.
ANd it just made me think of everything I am experiencing here. And even relating it to what i learned yesterday in galations 1.
I just need to be strong. and courageous. and not focus on pleasing man, but rather on being strong in the statutes that have been given to me. strong in the lifestyle i choose to live. strong in representing Jesus 24/7.
and if I meditate on that strength, its source, its commands as the Lord commanded joshua, then I will have success. But look at the passage...even success is modified. Not only will I have success, but it will be GOOD success. thats even better than straight up success, which is good in and of itself!!
there is so much more that went on in my head, but thats kinda the condensed version....
on to later today..
so basically, like i said yesterday, confusion seems to be an ongoing theme to my summer.
well, i experienced clarity for like the first time this summer. i mean, the Lord has clearly shown me things, but in a different way.
this was clarity about brian and i.
and what i saw was ROUGH.
basically, I realized, after verballing processing things with Susan (my roommate from the camino, and my newfound friend that i am so so so grateful for.), I realized that communication between brian and i had to be cut off completely for the rest of the summer.
wow. that's a bummer. it was kinda like "O...really?!"
try telling that one to a boy who is 5000 miles away from you, whose only source of communication with you is via a brittney spears headset on skype.
have i mentioned before how amazing brian really is? because he is.
and im not just saying that cuz he might be reading this, cuz he's not. he decided that no communiation meant no looking at my blog.
but yea, he really is so amazing. he has SUCH an approachable heart. he is so open to everything I present to him about myself, him, or our relationship (unless I am crying unexplicably...then he attritubes the tears to PMS, and usually is pretty accurate).
so i just started explaining the confusion in my head. which was of course confusing, because it is in fact confusion.
and he thought it all made sense. well not the confusion necessarily, but my rationale that explained how and why i get confused.
so we decided that we are not talking, emailing, or anything until after i return.
well really until after he calls me after i return. which may or may not be the exact day when i get back. it will depend on how he feels about it and what the lord is teaching him.
i mean, everything is OK. dont get me wrong. this is a GOOD break from eachother. we have already experienced physical separation. now we are just taking it to a new level.
but its going to be SO beautiful. just focusing on our own walks, without distraction.
i cant wait to see how the lord uses this.
but please be in prayer, for both of us. I know at some point I am going to break down and want to email him. i need to be strong. i need to be courageous.
and we are back to joshua.
i just am so in love with the Lord. could he be any more perfect?! NO.
I cant wait to see what tomorrow brings.
Could be interesting. Museum, historic ruins..and then the beach.
i cant even think about the beach right now. it makes my head swim.
i guess ill be bustin' out the one piece and board shorts :)
O man i better get to bed, cuz i am gonna need all the time in the word i can get in the morning....
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
it is well...
things have gotten SIGNIFICANTLY better... i think i am over the initial culture shock of being in this huge jungle..
cuz thats what it is...its a JUNGLE
and sometimes i feel like im on a safari...wandering through the foliage, admiring all of the exotic animals.
all of the people here are so different, so fascinating. by day, they seem to be to be these hippie-like, long skirt wearing, flowy haired girls. BUT by night, it's skinny jeans, wedge shoes or heels, and trendy tops. guys wear skin tight jeans, metro clothing. i have also seen the punks, the skateboarders, the goths. you name it. there are mullets, which are HUGE here, mohawks, facial piercings, and what not.
its a jungle full of interesting exotic species from around the world
today was really good for me. my time in the word this morning was so enriching, so conviting, so needed. sometimes i forget how thirsty i really am, but when you get a thirst-quencher, you realize how dehydrated you are.
i think i am really into similes today :)
or maybe you call them metaphors. yeaa, i think its metaphors.
ANYWAY...as i was saying...
The Lord is just SO good. He really does speak truth when you need it... WHY do we run around like chickens with our heads cut off?? without direction, trying to live on our own. it's crazy! i need to be reminded all the time of how much I truly need Him.
Galatians 1 has a WHOLE new meaning to me
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting him who called you in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— not that there is another one, but there are some who trouble you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to the one we preached to you, let him be accursed. As we have said before, so now I say again: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to the one you received, let him be accursed. For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1: 6-10
it's really kind of interesting that this passage just really happened to stick out to me today
because, if we are being honest, i usually breeze over or simply skim read the first chapter of the New Testament letters. I tell myself, "O this is just like all the other chapter ones...paul is just introducing who he is writing to and why. It's not important."
yep, that's how it goes. and i usually skip ahead and really get into it in chapter 2, because I convince myself that its in chapter 2 that the "meat" of the letter begins...
well, today I was Biblegateway.com-ing during my quiet time. I typed in "confusion" into the key word section, because I seem to be experiencing quite alot of that this summer. It was a logical keyword choice.
So I'm reading through all of the entries until I stumbled until I stumbled upon verse 7 of Galatians 1 (the NIV version uses confusion in the verse)
Intrigued, I pull out my own bible and look it up. i read the verses ahead and after for contextual purposes. and verses 6-10 just hit hard. and i read them again. and again. and again.
And i realized how often I run to other gospels. ALL THE TIME. Idolatry is HUGE, and so easy to fall into without even realizing it. Relationships, emotions, ice cream, you name it.
but really it wasnt even that. it was verse 10.
and i realized that I am so bad about being a people pleaser sometimes. but not even necessarily with how i relate to them, but rather what i do to make myself accepted in the eyes of men. like the way i dress, which is HUGE here. because i feel like im either at one extreme end of the spectrum or another....i either look 12 or i look 30. i dont dress like most of the other girls, american or spanish. i dont act like them. i dont wear a bathing suit at the beach like they do (or dont do even), and if i do decide to, its going to be a one piece with boardshorts. and i just keep thinking how embarrassing that is going to be, because i already get the stares and looks from some people, like im being judged.
but, IT DOESNT MATTER. i was just taken aback by how those thoughts just reflect some sick desire of mine to be approved by man. because i dont need the approval of the lost. they are of this world, and i am not.
and i need to act like im not. in everything. i need to be modest, when no one around me is. to honor the lord. to honor my body. to honor my future husband.
and its not even in dressing. its in everything. its in friendships. its in my relationship with brian. everything.
i cannot try to please people all the time. i need to be serving. i need to be a servant of Christ.
it was just a reeally humbling morning in the Word. and i dont even know if I make sense here typing this. i think im leaving out and butchering alot of my thoughts...
so the morning was good.
and the evening was AWKWARD. :)
we totally went to a mexican restaurant, where i was BLATANTLY hit on by the waiter. You might be thinking that it's only in my mind.
it wasnt.
it was so blatant that he brought my pinapple to me cut in the shape of a heart.
elizabeths was cut into tiny pieces for her salad.
i got a heart and a smile.
and then had to be there for another entire hour to eat.
i ALWAYS get hit on by Mexican boys! yes, I sometimes am tan. yes, i can speak spanish. i guess that makes me a magnet for mexicans.
not that i have anything against them! wow i think im digging a hole and starting to sound racist.
im not. trust me. i LOVE hispanic people. DUH! im a spanish major...
it was just an awkward experience....
cuz thats what it is...its a JUNGLE
and sometimes i feel like im on a safari...wandering through the foliage, admiring all of the exotic animals.
all of the people here are so different, so fascinating. by day, they seem to be to be these hippie-like, long skirt wearing, flowy haired girls. BUT by night, it's skinny jeans, wedge shoes or heels, and trendy tops. guys wear skin tight jeans, metro clothing. i have also seen the punks, the skateboarders, the goths. you name it. there are mullets, which are HUGE here, mohawks, facial piercings, and what not.
its a jungle full of interesting exotic species from around the world
today was really good for me. my time in the word this morning was so enriching, so conviting, so needed. sometimes i forget how thirsty i really am, but when you get a thirst-quencher, you realize how dehydrated you are.
i think i am really into similes today :)
or maybe you call them metaphors. yeaa, i think its metaphors.
ANYWAY...as i was saying...
The Lord is just SO good. He really does speak truth when you need it... WHY do we run around like chickens with our heads cut off?? without direction, trying to live on our own. it's crazy! i need to be reminded all the time of how much I truly need Him.
Galatians 1 has a WHOLE new meaning to me
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting him who called you in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— not that there is another one, but there are some who trouble you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to the one we preached to you, let him be accursed. As we have said before, so now I say again: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to the one you received, let him be accursed. For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1: 6-10
it's really kind of interesting that this passage just really happened to stick out to me today
because, if we are being honest, i usually breeze over or simply skim read the first chapter of the New Testament letters. I tell myself, "O this is just like all the other chapter ones...paul is just introducing who he is writing to and why. It's not important."
yep, that's how it goes. and i usually skip ahead and really get into it in chapter 2, because I convince myself that its in chapter 2 that the "meat" of the letter begins...
well, today I was Biblegateway.com-ing during my quiet time. I typed in "confusion" into the key word section, because I seem to be experiencing quite alot of that this summer. It was a logical keyword choice.
So I'm reading through all of the entries until I stumbled until I stumbled upon verse 7 of Galatians 1 (the NIV version uses confusion in the verse)
Intrigued, I pull out my own bible and look it up. i read the verses ahead and after for contextual purposes. and verses 6-10 just hit hard. and i read them again. and again. and again.
And i realized how often I run to other gospels. ALL THE TIME. Idolatry is HUGE, and so easy to fall into without even realizing it. Relationships, emotions, ice cream, you name it.
but really it wasnt even that. it was verse 10.
and i realized that I am so bad about being a people pleaser sometimes. but not even necessarily with how i relate to them, but rather what i do to make myself accepted in the eyes of men. like the way i dress, which is HUGE here. because i feel like im either at one extreme end of the spectrum or another....i either look 12 or i look 30. i dont dress like most of the other girls, american or spanish. i dont act like them. i dont wear a bathing suit at the beach like they do (or dont do even), and if i do decide to, its going to be a one piece with boardshorts. and i just keep thinking how embarrassing that is going to be, because i already get the stares and looks from some people, like im being judged.
but, IT DOESNT MATTER. i was just taken aback by how those thoughts just reflect some sick desire of mine to be approved by man. because i dont need the approval of the lost. they are of this world, and i am not.
and i need to act like im not. in everything. i need to be modest, when no one around me is. to honor the lord. to honor my body. to honor my future husband.
and its not even in dressing. its in everything. its in friendships. its in my relationship with brian. everything.
i cannot try to please people all the time. i need to be serving. i need to be a servant of Christ.
it was just a reeally humbling morning in the Word. and i dont even know if I make sense here typing this. i think im leaving out and butchering alot of my thoughts...
so the morning was good.
and the evening was AWKWARD. :)
we totally went to a mexican restaurant, where i was BLATANTLY hit on by the waiter. You might be thinking that it's only in my mind.
it wasnt.
it was so blatant that he brought my pinapple to me cut in the shape of a heart.
elizabeths was cut into tiny pieces for her salad.
i got a heart and a smile.
and then had to be there for another entire hour to eat.
i ALWAYS get hit on by Mexican boys! yes, I sometimes am tan. yes, i can speak spanish. i guess that makes me a magnet for mexicans.
not that i have anything against them! wow i think im digging a hole and starting to sound racist.
im not. trust me. i LOVE hispanic people. DUH! im a spanish major...
it was just an awkward experience....
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