crystal clear

welp, this was definitely another emotionally trying day for me... but in a new way,

basically, my morning was freakin' SWEET. i mean really, it was AWESOME.

i felt so accomplished in my time in the word this morning. Basically, before i left for the summer, Mark Henry gave me a copy of Living by the Book by Howard Hendricks to read here in Europe.

and for the first time all summer, i actually have time to read it! i am so excited! the intellectual (if you really even call it that) part of my summer has been leading up to reading this book. and i just did NOT have time in any fashion to open it on the camino. i rarely had time to open my actual Bible, much less this book. and then i was in england and sweden and germany and austria and just going going going, and now finally i can just sit.

and boy am i taking advantage of that :)

so this morning, the exercise at the end of chapter six was to record my obseravtions of Joshua 1:8.

I HAD A BLAST.

seriously. i was so intrigued, looking for every clue, every detail. trying to make as many observations as I could.

it was great. and then when i was walking the 25 minute walk to class, my mind was going over all the observations i made, and i started applying it to my life here --Which might me illegal right now :) im only in the observation phase...not experienced enough yet to apply it...(-joke- but seriously i really am only in the first step of the 3 step process)

ANYWAY

so im walking and analyzing, breaking things down and making connections.

so im gonna provide a summary below to clarify my thought process :)

This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.

Let me start off by saying that there is no way I am going to be able to communicate how cool and how thorough the following process was in my head. I wish I could have like a mind recorder with me at all times so I could retell EXACTLY my thought processes. because that was like 12 hours ago, and things change in your head in 12 hours.

Contextually, the Lord is speaking to Joshua and has just commissioned him to take his people out of Moab, across the jordan, so that they may enter and inherit the promised land. He has told joshua that he MUST be strong and obedient to all of the commandments.

So I like made my list about Joshua and looked up and wrote down things that I knew about him. and i looked up location, what happened in the book before (Deut.) and all that jazz. I wish you could see my journal with all of its squiggle and underlining glory :)

anyway...basically verse 8 comes between 2 commands to be strong and courageoous. There are at least 2 cause and effects going on in verse 8 alone. but its interesting to note that even it's location in relation to the surrounding verses is a cause and effect relationship. Basically the Lord is saying that if joshua will be strong and courageous, it will enable him to obey the Lord and His commands, which will ultimately cause him to succeed.

ANd it just made me think of everything I am experiencing here. And even relating it to what i learned yesterday in galations 1.

I just need to be strong. and courageous. and not focus on pleasing man, but rather on being strong in the statutes that have been given to me. strong in the lifestyle i choose to live. strong in representing Jesus 24/7.

and if I meditate on that strength, its source, its commands as the Lord commanded joshua, then I will have success. But look at the passage...even success is modified. Not only will I have success, but it will be GOOD success. thats even better than straight up success, which is good in and of itself!!

there is so much more that went on in my head, but thats kinda the condensed version....

on to later today..

so basically, like i said yesterday, confusion seems to be an ongoing theme to my summer.

well, i experienced clarity for like the first time this summer. i mean, the Lord has clearly shown me things, but in a different way.

this was clarity about brian and i.

and what i saw was ROUGH.

basically, I realized, after verballing processing things with Susan (my roommate from the camino, and my newfound friend that i am so so so grateful for.), I realized that communication between brian and i had to be cut off completely for the rest of the summer.

wow. that's a bummer. it was kinda like "O...really?!"

try telling that one to a boy who is 5000 miles away from you, whose only source of communication with you is via a brittney spears headset on skype.

have i mentioned before how amazing brian really is? because he is.

and im not just saying that cuz he might be reading this, cuz he's not. he decided that no communiation meant no looking at my blog.

but yea, he really is so amazing. he has SUCH an approachable heart. he is so open to everything I present to him about myself, him, or our relationship (unless I am crying unexplicably...then he attritubes the tears to PMS, and usually is pretty accurate).

so i just started explaining the confusion in my head. which was of course confusing, because it is in fact confusion.

and he thought it all made sense. well not the confusion necessarily, but my rationale that explained how and why i get confused.

so we decided that we are not talking, emailing, or anything until after i return.

well really until after he calls me after i return. which may or may not be the exact day when i get back. it will depend on how he feels about it and what the lord is teaching him.

i mean, everything is OK. dont get me wrong. this is a GOOD break from eachother. we have already experienced physical separation. now we are just taking it to a new level.

but its going to be SO beautiful. just focusing on our own walks, without distraction.

i cant wait to see how the lord uses this.

but please be in prayer, for both of us. I know at some point I am going to break down and want to email him. i need to be strong. i need to be courageous.

and we are back to joshua.

i just am so in love with the Lord. could he be any more perfect?! NO.

I cant wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Could be interesting. Museum, historic ruins..and then the beach.

i cant even think about the beach right now. it makes my head swim.

i guess ill be bustin' out the one piece and board shorts :)

O man i better get to bed, cuz i am gonna need all the time in the word i can get in the morning....